Friday, October 17, 2014

A Little Piece of Heaven

I'm exposing myself here a bit and sharing something I wouldn't normally share and I decided to do this because I want others to know they aren't alone in feeling this way sometimes. 
I have bad days just like anyone else I'm sure. I have had more of these days with three little ones running around causing a muck. I think it may also be the stress of too many things being out of my control-yes, I can be a control freak. Anyone who knows me well, knows this about me. I like control where control should be-what to make for dinner, things within my home and who my kids play with; the things I feel I deserve to have control of, you know. I was having a moment while staring at the mess that used to be a clean living room, I just took in a deep breath and felt like I was drowning. I called Rick and asked him to give me a pep talk or a reminder of why I do what I do day in and day out. He wasn't helpful and that only made me want to cry. He was busy with work and I understand that and so we left it at that and I thought of the next best thing, or so I thought. My idea was to call a friend but that wasn't the best idea either because the idea that popped into my head next was truly the best idea.

There I was, sitting on my couch with my knees pulled up tight to my chest and my arms wrapped around my legs and right then and there I closed my eyes and prayed. I was saying this prayer, asking my Heavenly Father to remind me what my job is and where to start. I often wonder this these days. I think sometimes I get swallowed up in the day to day chores- feeding the kids, doing the laundry and dishes that never seem to end, and all the other little things that come with it. Lincoln was pestering me while I had my head bowed in prayer and even then I was annoyed and tossed the Happy napper toy across the room while it sang, " Happy! Happy Napper!! ...And we love to play with you..  we're happy." I thought to myself, I'm not happy and that song does Not make me happy so shut the crap up!

I paused a moment and then went back to praying, only more casually and sincerely open this time,  like I were having a conversation with a friend. I cried, sucked it up and finished my prayer. As I wiped the last of my tears away, Lincoln had bounced back into the room. What were you doing, mom?, He asked.
I replied, " I was praying bud.
Because I felt like I needed to. 
Because I don't really know what I'm doing. I get confused about where to start and how to make things better than they are sometimes.
But your my mom!
I teared up and chocked back, I AM YOUR MOM. And what is your mom supposed to do for you bud?
You take care of me.
Yeah, but How? What does that mean to you?
You feed me when I'm hungry, which is F O R E V E R....He drug the word out as though it signified how often I fed him; the bottomless pit.
I laughed and said, yeah you're right. You are A L W A Y S hungry.
He got his face real close to mine and said, "yeah, I am. So go make me something to eat!"
Hey! How do we ask nicely?
That's better. Does your mom teach you to be nice too.
Yeah!! He puckered up and gave me a big kiss.

If that message wasn't sent directly from Heaven, I must be getting my signals crossed.

No comments: